Below are the 5 most recent journal entries recorded in musicphean99's LiveJournal:

Friday, January 9th, 2004
3:11 am	should i stay or should i go.... tonight i learned another thing about myself that I've secretly known for awhile...music is my passion, i cant sing but i know i need to do something in it, priduce it, guitar, drums..anything...its the one thing that keeps me sane and on track during such hard times, the one band that does is Pearl Jam...i bought their new cd tonight of 'lost dogs' or previously unreleased hits, with I believe 4 exceptions. Anyway, the cd is amazing..it makes me teary eyed, joyful, and angry at the world at the same time. That to me, is music at its purest form. -- to have emotions in a song written by someone else for a totally different reason than why you are listening it and interpreting it is amazing and talented....maybe I can do that..maybe I am gonna try, but unfortunately Eddie Vedder doesn't try to make good lyrics andsongs..he just does, its a born talent which I may or may not posess, we'll see. What gave me these crazy thoughts and realixation that music is my passion..a movie..called 'School of Rock' -- i seen kids doing stuff i've always wanted to go, play guitar, sing, play drums..but sorry, not play keyboard! I mean, this is what i want to do...i want to learn everything i can about writing music, playing music, recording it, producing it...and I will. onto more personal news.....Shay went out tonight and so did I, we both had lives for once! haha...but anyway, its weird loving someone but them not being right there when your having a good time..its a difficult feeling to express, knowing your in love with someone and vice versa and not being able to see them all the time for the current moment and even the next day or the next...but knowing you will is sometimes not enough to overcome a emptiness in my gut that I want to be with Shay forever, I do..she is the one person who makes me at ease, carefree, and unknowing of pain that exists in the world...when im talking to her on the phone or internet - nothing else matters, literally. I am not an easy person to understand, I am rude and obnoxious at times, and arrogant in my own way, but Shay doesn't seem to make a note of it..she just accepts it and goes with it...its amazing, i have a beautiful and stunning girl that loves me and still I'm complaining about distance and time together...what is wrong with me? God, who if anyone knows me i wasn't a believer in till recently...has sent me something that many people don't find their entire life..he/she/it sent me a beautiful creation in his own image to love me and to make me a better person...does shay deserve better? Yes, i hope I can be what shay deserve in life..but i doubt I ever could be, I would give shay the world and the solar system if i could - but she deserves more..she deserves more than the world can possibly offer - let alone me. However, right now as I sit here listening to 'Last kiss' (songs changed) i know I love shay, i do..she is everything I could imagine in a girl - which ive said before..bt its true, no girl I can see here or anywhere can compare to her, i am in love - which I thought was never possible. Shay,....thank you for giving me that one chance into your world..the journey has yet to begin, but it holds the greatest tale to be told. Current Mood: complacent (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 7th, 2004
9:59 pm	to whom it may concern...... Today was a really was the day I told shay what i felt, i'm not good with words or my thoughts neccesarily ..but i tried. Shay is coming out here or we are going there soon...less than 8 weeks...scary thought, will the girl be mutual then? its easy now, right? I hope not..i hope the easiest part is meeting..putting the face and body to the name or voice on the phone. I dunno, my mind is blank tonight...writers block has struck me hard, i have a lot on my mind but I can't spit it out...and shay, my nickname used to be CHUCKLES! i finally remembered it last night before i went to bed! my world is changing dramatically every second i live in it, i havem't even seen some of my 'best friends' i grew up with for nearly 2 years, is it for the good? most definately, they are a bunch of stoners anymore with no goals or ambitions - just to live off societies giving nature. Everyday I wake up and realize I am one luck guy...i have a great family, i have awesome friends (ones i still talk too) and an awesome girl..i have the 3 essential elements...I can live without a girl, or so i thought before I met shay....its weird, never have I been so happy or dominated by a feelings for a girl - which is bizarre (my word of the day) because towards girls I am typically a loner and a guy who lets the girls come to him (hey! its worked like 3 times!!)...but with shay, i knew i wanted her...from the first time i seen her on cam and pics..i knew i wanted it and need it, does that make any sense? has anyone else just felt an incredibly warm feeling about another human w/out even realizing it? Its very odd, sure..i could date girls here..i've done that..but why? he girls of my dreams is in new jersey..and i'm willing to work through all the bullshit in order to be with her...whether she lives here, there, or across the ocean...i can live with it, i'll make it work...she'll make it work...because why? to us, its worth it. And a lot of people never know love is mutual, but me and shay know it is....any why do i know this may be love? because i've NEVER felt something so pure, unselfish, and great in my life -- i used to be based on selfishness and whatever would HELP ME and make ME feel better, and for once in my life...i want to make someone else feel great, i want someone else to know how beautiful she is, how intelligent she is, and so on. To me, this is about shay...letting her spread her wings to her full extent - can i give her everything the world has to offer? No, but can I give her everything I have to offer? you bet your ass! Today, I realized some stuff, life is not always peachy, life sucks ass, life is not always a comedy act in front of people, and life can be good...but life can also be incredibly magical. Today, I learned shay loved me, and she pointed it out in a lot of smart words and complex sentences that I could never replicate...so I won't even try...but, i do it my way..and shay knows I love her, i do...it sounds ironic never meeting...but I do, and I know i was supposed to find her, and I did. Life can be a funny thing, one day your happy, one day your unfulfilled, the next you may die, the next you may be given a miracle...and right now...i was given a miracle and her name is Shay... till next time, rob Current Mood: grateful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 6th, 2004
1:24 am	this is my last week home... its been a weird vacation...i have not really much much at all to even call it a vacation, i've sat at home, played video games, got drunk once (new years eve), and then..well nothing...i've even kind of gotten bored with working out...i've lost 40 lbs and now it seems im starting to go back to my old ways of eatting late at night, sleeping all day, and just in a blah mood....maybe the world is just weird right now..honestly, im in love with someone who i can tell is the girl i should be with, she is incredible, we talk and laugh and everything - it's really amazing that one year ago on this date i was in the deepest depression of my life with my ex-girlfriend...2003 was a horrible year, a lot of stuff happened that I would like to forget - but can i? should i? what if everything from the past was wiped away, was it to show maturity? what proves change?...will the same mistakes be made again if given the same situation....i've been in college only 5 full semesters but i am a changed person, i've loved and lost, i've almost died, i found pure lust entertaining, and i died within myself for nearly two years for what? to learn more.....i have matured in the last 6 months more than anytime in my life..i dont go create drama anymore, i don't put people down (unless its neccesary)..and i don't give a shit about money or cars or power, i just want life to be fun again, like it was when high school ended, that is cliche' but its quite true in my situation...life is turning around again after the past 3 years of facing the darker side of the world. (forgive my punctuation)..last week, i told someone i loved them, i have not even met the person but by some magical touch - we both feel the same, its mutual, this girl is gonna be the best thing to happen to me in a long time..i can feel it, never have i been so excited about something non material, what is it about her? she gives off this ora (sp?)..of happiness and confidence, thought she says she is insecure..i doubt it, she seems to be the light i need to get out of a hole i dug myself in to. personally, i've never been happier or more excited to meet a person, i'm usually a loner who has learned not to say much - but she brings out the kid in me..and i love it..and her. till next time... rob Current Mood: Blahhhh! (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 18th, 2003
3:52 am	Another Day till I go home. so tomorrow night i leave for indianapolis once again for christmas break...i live in a shithole town with a college that people hate, but for the first time ever - i feel the need to stay here...maybe its because kenzie is moving out and i really like the guy - he is a cool roomate...or maybe it's because i kinda succeeded for once this semester...oh well..it will go away im sure when I get home and see all my friends. tomorrow is the last final I have, Biology...the teacher is cool and I have a B in the class...so i assume i will do good.. off to bed... Current Mood: optimistic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 17th, 2003
1:18 am	my first journal. how cute. so just to make a first entry.... hi! Current Mood: crazy (7 Comments |Comment on this)